(This was previously a facebook note, but I decided to throw it here so it looks like I actually update this place.)
Top 5 worst habits:
5. Biting your nails
4. Picking your nose
3. Saying the word "like"
2. Smoking cigarettes
1. Throwing cigarettes on the ground
If there is one thing more disgusting than smoking cigarettes, it is the 3-day aftertaste of chitterlings (pig intestine). If there is another thing more disgusting, it is destroying the world with cigarette butts. Did the ground ask to bum a stoge? If my gravitational pull was that of the earth, and had people walking around on my limbs, would it be ok to throw cigarettes on me? Of course not! This obsurd disposal of faggotry is getting out of hand. Well today I saw the worst cancer stick toss in history, and couldn't handle it.
This woman was walking toward me about 50 feet away, smoking a cig like it was breakfast and she didn't eat the night before.
25 feet away - she takes the last puff. It lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Now don't quote me on this, because it may have just been the heat playing tricks on me, but I swear that nearby people actually shifted toward her as if that last inhalation was sucking in space itself. It was frightening, and I hope to never see that again.
10 feet away - she flicks the cigarette - as if flicking cigarettes was an olympic sport and she was the gold medalist - straight to the ground. It landed with so much force, the sparks exploded upward like the devil himself was erupting forth from the depths of hell. The cigarette bounced with such grace. People stared in awe as it flipped through the air like the wand from Super Mario 3 tumbling into the hand of the king. On a nearby advertisement, Joe Camel took off his sunglasses and began cheering at the perfect execution of her toss. The cigarette landed no more than 2 feet from the nearby building ashtray. For anyone not familiar with ashtrays, they are what cigarette butts go into. But this woman didn't want to be bothered with using it...
0 feet away - enter Dave stage left.
"Excuse me ma'm, but I think you dropped something."
The look on her face as I bent down and picked up her cigarette was absolutely priceless. It was a look of pure emptyness. Her entire understanding of the universe and its perfect structure completely collapsed. The routine of her life - wake up, smoke, drop cigarettes, sleep - was shattered in a single instant.
"I - uhmm - no I don't know what you mean."
"It's ok. Don't be so modest. I saw you drop this, and wouldn't want you to lose it."
She took it. Stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. How could one man break everything in another's life with one action? Her eyes longed for understanding of what just happened. I walked away, and didn't look back.
This story is more than just a simple tale of my morning. It is the start of a revolution! We must unite the people and cure the diseased of their habit. Whenever someone throws away a cigarette to the ground, pick it up and give it back. Do what you need to do until they properly dispose of it. Give it to them twice if needed. If they ignore you, put it down their shirt like an ice cube. Only instead of giving them the chills, it will give them the burns. Signs of their failure at life. If the person looks scary, put it out on their eyes so they can't see you when you run away. Soon the world will be free of cigarette butts. Once again we will be able to lick the ground and not have to worry if Benzene, Tar, Ammonia, or Carbon Monoxide are hogging up the licking space, wrapped up in cylindrical form.
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